Today’s newsletter is for the parent who’s trying to hold the line on smartphones and social media, but whose kid is surrounded by other kids who don’t seem to have any screen time restrictions whatsoever.
Maybe you’ve spent hours researching which “dumbphone” or smartwatch might enable a useful amount of communication, without exposing your kids to harmful content, but your kid still feels isolated and disconnected.
What can you actually say to your kids in the midst of their feelings of isolation, disconnection, and FOMO (or, the fear of missing out)?
Today I’ll share an example script for how that conversation can go.
Coming up:
Today I’ll share :
An example script for how to lead that conversation
What happens when we look at our own faces for too long?
Some backyard shenanigans
Phone FOMO: What to say when your kid’s “the only one without a phone”
I won’t beat around the bush: your kid’s FOMO (fear of missing out) is probably going to be one of the hardest parts of making intentional screen time decisions as a family.
Because your goal here isn’t for your kids to feel left out. You didn’t start down this path because of your plan for them to feel isolated. Your desire isn’t to prevent them from feeling bonded to their friends.
But you also know that screen time can be a trojan horse for any number of other issues, especially for younger kids.
So how do you talk about your convictions in a way that makes sense to your kids, when it seems like most of their friends have no restrictions on their devices?
The conversation blueprint
Here’s a basic blueprint for how this conversation can go.
1. Acknowledge the cost for them.
Say something like, “We understand that there's a cost to this for you. We understand that because of our decisions about technology, you're going to miss out on certain things, and sometimes feel like you’re out of the loop.” Being willing to name this helps to start the conversation on a note clarity and understanding.
2. Ask questions, don’t just lecture.
Say something like, “I’d love to hear from you what it feels like when you see your friends glued to their smartphones?” It’s important to let them articulate exactly how they’re feeling, without immediately criticizing your kid’s friends (or their parents) for their tech use.
3. Turn it back on yourself.
Say something like, “Has it ever seemed like I had a double-standard with my own tech use? How has that made you feel?” This is obviously a vulnerable question, but it’s important. You want to live out your family’s decisions around screen time with integrity and consistency.
4. Name the age line plainly.
If you’ve decided, for example, that age 14 is the minimum age requirement for getting a smartphone, say that clearly: “We don’t think 11, 12, or 13 is the right age to get a smartphone—we think it’s age 14.”
(My strong recommendation would be to wait until at least age 14 for a smartphone and at least age 16 for social media.)
5. Refocus on the why.
Ask something like, “How do you think smartphones and social media are affecting your friends? Have you noticed them acting differently because of it?”
You want to connect your intentional delays of tech access to the issues that are probably already coming up for your kid’s friends. This is important because most teens won’t feel compelled if you tell them, X percentage of your friends will experience mental health issues because of smartphones. But what they do care about is when they can see clearly that a friend’s depression is getting worse because of the amount of time they’re spending on their phone, etc.
Create a shared goal: human flourishing
Again, one of your main goals here is to create a space for understanding. You want your kid to feel like you hear them; and you also want to reaffirm why you think your boundaries still make sense.
If at all possible, connect with other families who are trying to make intentional choices about screen time. The organization Wait Until 8th, which encourages parents to wait until at least 8th grade to give a smartphone, specifically sets their pledges to “activate” when at least 10 families in the same school grade have signed it.
Their idea is that it’s always easier to maintain phone restrictions when you’re not the only family doing it.
Also, depending on how the conversation goes with your kid, it might be interesting to ask your teens how they would approach this topic with their own kids. In her book The Tech Exit, author Clare Morell tells the story of a 16-year-old named Peter who resents his parents’ decision not to give him a smartphone. But when he is asked, “So, do you think you’ll give your kids a smartphone?” His immediate response is, “No way.”
Responses like Peter’s can reveal a disconnect between the question of “What can I handle?” and the question of “What is actually healthy?”
At the end of the day, your ultimate goal, as the parent, is to set up an environment of health, where your son or daughter can flourish. The screen time conversation is just one part of that.
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