You have permission

Hey friends,

I recently asked a group of adults how they’d coach a 16 year old girl to use Instagram in a healthy way. Their answers brought up a way bigger question.

In today's newsletter:

Let's dive in.

I started a talk to a roomful of adults with this question:

"Raise your hand if you think social media causes serious mental health problems for teens."

Almost every hand in the room went up.

"Ok. Now raise your hand if you think social media companies are deliberately engineering their platforms to manipulate young people's attention and keep them addicted."

Same result.

"Now raise your hand if YOU use social media."

The hands stayed up.

But this time, a few nervous laughs rippled through the room. A couple of "I see what you're doing" groans. And a few people who glanced around like they'd just been caught with something.

Then I asked a follow-up:

"How would you advise a 16-year-old girl to use social media in a healthy way?"

The answers came quickly:

All the advice was practical and smart. It even sounded like something I’ve said before. But I noticed something interesting:

No one suggested she delete her account.

Every answer assumed she had to be on Instagram.

Each tip was about how to maintain discipline, day after day. Against a team of engineers whose job is to keep you on their platform. We're handing her a set of rules to fight a professional opponent.

And no one asked whether she had to get in the ring at all.

Whenever I bring this up, some people get a little defensive.

One woman raised her hand and said: "I just want to say first — I couldn't run my business without Instagram. So I have to use it, but..."

I understand that.

I'm not here to tell anyone they're wrong for using it.

But I think there's a huge difference between saying "I have to use it" and "I'm choosing to use it." One puts you in control of the decision. The other hands that control to the platform. And when we walk around feeling like we have no choice, our kids pick it up, too.

Somewhere along the way, most of us stopped asking whether we had a choice.

Social media became something we just have — like a utility. And we never gave ourselves the option to opt out.

We give our teens a lot of advice about how to do things.

But sometimes they just need to be reminded that they have permission not to do “what everyone else is doing.”

When you're having the social media conversation with your kid, give them the option to opt-out. Whether they're 12 and asking for their first account, or 16 and already on everything.

Some kids will take it. Some won't.

But the ones who know they can always leave are in a very different position than the ones who feel like they have to stay.

And by the way, you can give yourself that same permission, too.

Most parenting advice on screens falls into two camps: total ban or total surrender. Neither actually helps.

The Practical Parenting: Screen Time Series is a short video course that cuts through the noise with real science — so you can stop second-guessing every swipe and start making decisions you actually feel good about.

→ Get the course at selfctrl.com

A couple stories I read this week:

Does anyone else love purging and throwing away accumulated no longer useful stuff?  I do.

I might even like “late summer cleaning” more than “spring cleaning.”

Who’s with me?

— Ian