Most of us aren't in denial about screens.
The problem is something different, and once you know the word for it, you'll start seeing it everywhere.
In today's newsletter:
Why admitting you have a problem may not be the first step toward change (when it comes to screens)
What does a 13-year-old see on Snapchat in a normal week?
A new artist I’ve been loving on Spotify 🎧
Let's dive in.
I don’t think “denial” is the right word for this.
With hard addictions, the first barrier to get through is denial.
That's the whole premise of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everyone around the person can see the problem. The hardest part is admitting it themselves.
“The first step is admitting you have a problem.” Right?
Once they do, the door to change opens.
Unfortunately, I don’t think smartphones work the same way.
Most people already admit they have a screen problem.
They joke about it. Debate what what should be done about it.
Many share honestly they need to make a change. And then…they keep scrolling.
Every week someone says to me something that sounds like:
"…I'm totally addicted to my iPhone."
"…I know I'm on it too much, but it's honestly the only alone time I get."
"…I tell my kids to get off their phones and then I'm scrolling five minutes later."
"…I literally told my class to put their phones away right before I checked mine."
"…I don't even enjoy it anymore. I just keep checking it."
"…I know it makes me feel worse. I still go on it."
"…I caught myself on my phone at a red light today. I don't even remember picking it up."
"…I've deleted the app at least four times. It always comes back."
"…I know it's not real life. I still don't want to miss what everyone's talking about."
"…I could stop whenever I want. I just don't want to."
I even saw someone’s email signature recently change to: "Sent from my iPhone, which I'm hopelessly addicted to."
I don’t meet a ton of people who are in outright denial about too much screen time.
So if this isn’t denial, what is it?
It's called ambivalence.
You acknowledge the problem and laugh it off in the same breath.
You call it an addiction and treat it like a cute personality quirk.
You can prove the platform is harmful yet open Facebook anyway.
Naming this correctly matters.
With most addictions, denial is the roadblock. You can't get help until you say the words, “I have a problem.”
But ambivalence can be harder.
Until you move from "this is a problem" to "this is a problem I want to change," you stay stuck in the same place.
This especially matters if you're trying to have honest conversations about screens with your kids. When a teenager sees a parent living in ambivalence, the message they take away is “if they don’t care enough to change, why should I?”
How do you move past ambivalence?
You can't lecture your way out of ambivalence. Not for yourself and not for your kids.
But there are 4 ways I’ve seen people take that seem to make a difference:
1. Separate "we" from "I."
"We all have a problem with phones" is an observation. It's comfortable because it's viewed as a collective thing and nobody's more accountable than anyone else.
"I have a problem I want to change" is the only version that leads anywhere.
The first step toward change is taking ownership of yourself.
So make it personal.
2. Get honest about what you actually want.
Ambivalence means you want two things at once.
The comfort the phone gives you
And the life you have when you're not on it
Until you decide which one you want more, you'll keep ping-ponging between them.
Ask yourself: what would better actually look like?
Be specific.
"Less screen time" isn't as clear as, "Charging my phone in a different room."
3. Know your story.
Some people can moderate, set limits, keep them, and move on.
Others need to be more strict. Knowing which one you are matters more than almost anything else. I had an addictive relationship with World of Warcraft years ago so bad that moderation isn’t an option for me.
That's my story.
The way you manage yourself might look different than the way others manage themselves, but you have to know yourself and do something.
4. Start with one thing.
You don't have to overhaul everything at once.
Change one thing, and stick to it. Delete one app, and don’t reinstall it. Get off one platform, but don’t add a new one.
That's how you build evidence that change is possible for you.
Once you have that evidence, the next change gets easier.
Habits are built one change at a time.
📱 How do you set screen time limits as a family?
Most parenting advice on screens falls into two camps: total ban or total surrender. Neither actually helps.
The Practical Parenting: Screen Time Series is a short video course that cuts through the noise with real science — so you can stop second-guessing every swipe and start making decisions you actually feel good about.